Syncing the Clocks

 Day One

My whole doctoral degree program is about to start in less than thirty minutes. I did not accomplish what I wanted to: wake up this morning at 6AM and go running. I also didn't go to bed last night until after midnight...so...this will have to work itself out. I will be exhausted (anticipate) after today, so falling asleep at 10PM is the goal, and then starting my full routine tomorrow is expected. I would still like to go for a run this afternoon after classes and the work I am doing for the county.

I want a routine.

I need a routine.

I talked to a friend yesterday on the phone, and I said that my life sounds discordant to me right now. Perhaps all those Zoom calls every day, like clockwork, formed some kind of order - albeit dystopian and militaristic. I can still feel those mouse clicks and the way I navigated across the web every day in an attempt to connect with my students so they could "come into class." Like clockwork, I would open Zoom at the pre-arranged times and prepare my face to be on camera. The normal school year has a rhythm as such, and it is normal to feel cut adrift once Summer hits, but this year feels different. Last night, in conversation, I said that it was like fragmentation or compartmentalization; each box has a ticking clock, but they are all out of sync.

I need to put something out into the universe. I need to breathe it out. I want to enjoy this. Above all things, I want to be present and enjoy this experience as an adventure that I have been training and preparing for. I have learned that how we feel about what happens to us is one of the things we can control, and in fact, is one of the only things that we can control. How much we worry, how we approach a situation or even our day, how we process - these are all choices that we can make. We might not always control the spaces we are in, but we can control the way we paint and decorate the walls.

I will choose joy.

I want to research, I want to publish, I want to create, I want to change and create change. As such, this is not my last academic adventure. This is not the end but a grand beginning.