Stolen Moments

This semester feels different. I am sitting at a coffee shop, and working on my writing. The air is crisp, but it is better than the stuffy, overly warm feeling inside. I love coffee shops, but lately, I need fresh air or my office where I completely control the environment. There has been a shift in my creative practices, just as there has been a shift in my classes. I am no longer taking classes that require my physical body for most sessions. Other than one of my three classes, we hardly ever meet, let alone meet in person. This does not mean that I shouldn't be working--in fact, it means that I should be working more. An even greater danger is the haunting feeling that I can't stop. 

Just as with the pandemic, I found myself switching "off" less. I would work forever because there was no "end" to the day. When there are no class meetings, I tell myself that I should work every night. Then when I am working, I tell myself that I should keep working. I have spent at least 4 hours at my computer every night after I get off work, writing on one of three extended writing assignments. 

I think that is another struggle this semester: the writing assignments are endless. Not in number, that would be saner, but in length. I am writing the first three chapters of my dissertation, a fifteen-page research article, and a major project that is memoir based, and the vast majority of my grade.

I'm also sick. Physically sick. For the past three weeks, I have had a persistent cough, weakness, and soreness, and it has been a struggle to breathe. I have always struggled with balance; it has never come easy to me. I had been exercising 5 days a week before getting sick, and things looked like they would come together as a habit. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am struggling to breathe.

Our family is like a shared lung, and when we are separated, capacity is greatly reduced. I can't take air in as fully, and my voice is muted and reduced. I have been stealing moments from myself and from those I love to try and create. I have lost the ability to be still. I want to cease movement; I want to float. I want to feel my body settle. Grammarly is telling me that I am sounding sad and gloomy. When you title your post as I have, I feel that this is reasonable. However, this post is not the entire story. I am on top of my writing. I am handling the load. There are many areas of my life that are doing better than ever. But I miss my family. I miss playing more with my daughter. I miss playing video games and watching things with my partner. I miss my brother. If you're still reading, I don't normally make posts like this. I thought about coldly describing this semester and the work that I am doing with my dissertation. However, I wanted to slow down and reflect on what these changes have meant so maybe I can find more balance and the off switch. If you struggle with that too, and I think it's normal in this part of the program, it isn't forever.